Dissipated Light
by purpleheart10
Summary: To love someone with all my heart and soul... To love Carly. My life's mission wasn't about saving her life after all and now that I knew it, I'd do everything I can to fulfill it.
1. Dead Star

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ICARLY.**

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It's been six years since I distanced myself from her, the love of my life. Some said it was just a normal crush, an infatuation for the girl living next door. They believed it would eventually die out. To be honest, I thought so too but at some point in life, me and every body else were proven wrong. Carly Shay was not just my puppy love, as they called it. She was my true love. Perhaps, even my greatest love.

So why did I leave Carly? It was as simple as a one plus one equals two equation. I wanted her to be happy. Martyr? Probably. But when you love a person as much I loved Carly, you would understand why I did it. I always knew I could never give her the happiness she deserved. I could never give her the adventure she was seeking. Because for her, Freddie Benson was just a typical _best friend. _Yes, I know she loved me and she made that clear thousands of times. But she was not in love with me.

I thought I could live with it – Carly dating guys who would eventually dump her in the end. I didn't know what was up with her dating those stupid bad boys. Even Sam and Spencer didn't understand but I was patient. I have always hoped that someday, Carly would find me as more than just her nerdy tech-producer. I prayed that someday, Carly would see me in a different light. I chose to wait for her and just let her date those boys because somehow, at the back of my mind, I knew that Carly would always come back to me.

"_Oh Freddie!" she crushed herself against me the moment I opened our apartment door._

_I sighed. Of course, I knew what happened. Carly was dumped by some freaking idiot who thought she wasn't good enough for him. What else was new?_

_I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "Don't cry Carls." I whispered._

"_He dumped me." she sobbed against my shirt._

"_Carls…" I paused, "That's his loss. Not yours." _

"_I don't get it." She whispered to herself. "What do those girls have that I don't? They just keep leaving me for them."_

_What do those idiots have that I don't?_

"_Shhh. Don't cry over those morons. You're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. You're smart, you're pretty, and you're famous. You're just too good for all of them!"_

"_You think so?" she asked as she lifted her head to meet my gaze._

"_I know so." I smiled at her and kissed her forehead._

"_Thanks Freddie. You always know what to say." She smiled back and gave me one quick hug before we said goodnight to each other._

Much to my dismay, things were not the same when Nat came into Carly's life. He wasn't like Griffin who couldn't keep his hands to himself. He wasn't like Jake either because he could sing very well without needing to edit his voice. He was far from Jonah who would try to kiss your girlfriend's best friend. Nat was a very sensitive guy and everyone else could see that he was head over heels for Carly.

I never thought I would find a guy who could love her as much as I did. But I witnessed it myself. It was just so impossible to loathe the guy. Sam and Spencer liked him and even I couldn't say anything bad about him. The worst part is, Carly was in love with him too and the fact that they were both in love with each other crushed my little hoping heart.

When Carly talked about Nat, I felt something I didn't feel before when she was dating the bad boys. I knew it wasn't about Nat being totally different from Griffin and the likes because there was something more. I just shrugged the thought off and did what I would normally do. I waited for their relationship to end just like her previous relationships so I could have the chance to let Carly know how much she meant to me.

_Two weeks… A month… Three… Six… One year… _I waited. Nothing. Carly and Nat never broke up like I wished they would. Sure they did fight like a normal couple would but at the end of the day, they would eventually realize that what they have was truly for keeps. I could only hope but I was well aware that the love my Carly and Nat was sharing was just growing stronger every single day.

"_You still hope Carly's gonna love you someday? Oh puh-lease Benson!" Sam rolled her eyes as she took a sip of her smoothie._

"_There's still hope." I told her coolly before glancing at Carly and Nat who were sitting at another table not too far from us. They were laughing to themselves, like little lovebirds falling in love for the first time._

"_Wake up Dude! They've been dating for a year!" she exclaimed loud enough to capture my attention back. _

"_So?"_

"_That means they're completely compatible, idiot! Carly has never dated a guy for more than two months!"_

"_It's not like they're getting married or anything." I reasoned. I mean, there's still hope right?_

_Sam rolled her eyes. "What if they eventually get married? You'll just sit down on her wedding day alone, still praying that they soon get a divorce so that you can be her second husband?"_

That night, Sam's words echoed in my mind. _They're completely compatible… Sit down on her wedding day alone…_ Sam was right. One year was enough. I thought I'd never see the day when I would let her go but that time, I bitterly admitted to myself that I was never meant to win that battle. So when my mom found a more promising job in Florida, it was the perfect opportunity to escape. I willingly came with her.

My mom and I left immediately after graduation. Even Sam was depressed when I told them I'd be leaving. Carly tried to talk to me and make me stay and I almost did. But there was no turning back. I wanted to move on and try a new life far from the pain this feeling was causing me.

The first two years I'd been away, the foundation of the friendship we built was still strong. I would call Carly almost every week to know what was up. I used to call Sam too on rare occasions. I even e-mailed them photos of me and my mom in our new home and they would do the same. I was thankful that Carly was kind enough not to send pictures of her and Nat together. Instead, she would send me pictures of her and Sam, the two of them with Spencer and his wacko sculptures, and some with Gibby and my other friends back in Seattle.

But as time passed by, everything seemed to change. I eventually stopped calling her on a weekly basis until Carly was the one calling me. I answered her calls twice but that was it. I couldn't bear to hear her voice because it hurt me like hell, knowing that the person owning that sweet voice could never be mine no matter what I did. She was torturing me because after all, my love for her never went away.

Slowly, I pushed her out of my life together with Sam, Spencer, and everything that reminded me of her. I was determined to forget about Carly Shay and the love I strongly felt for her. However, Carly tried to keep in touch with me. She would still send me e-mails every once in a while and leave me voice mails. I found the courage not to answer anything and soon enough, she got tired and I never heard from her again.

I devoted my time to my studies and soon after, work. I would spend a day in my office for eight hours and then come home to my apartment to work on my laptop with a cup of coffee resting on my study table until I was tired enough to think or even dream of her. I lived every single day of my life trying to pretend that I was happy.

My mother eventually got sick of me that she finally let me live my own life. She would always check up on me though, like a loving mother would once in a while. I can safely say I had no friends since Carly and Sam. Every girl I tried to go out with lost their interest in me after our first date. They hated the fact that I intentionally ignore them and I was just using them to kill time, to forget about the reason of my very existence. I was far from the boy I used to be and that was what I wanted all along. People not so close to me would think I was living a normal life but only those who truly cared for me could feel that I had become a lifeless person.

I was like a dead star, shining for the people who were far from me but if you looked at me closely, if you searched deep within my very soul, you'd never find a single ray of light. Because the truth is, I was still breathing but without a certain Carly Shay in my life, I was living for nothing.

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**A/N:**

**I wanted to try something different from the ones I usually write.**

**What do you think? I might post another chapter in Carly's POV soon.**


	2. Masked Heart

Six years had passed since Freddie left me, Sam, Spencer, and the whole of Seattle. He was my other best friend, one of the few people I trusted more than anything in the world. I even thought he knew me more than Sam did. There were things I could only tell Freddie and there were also things only Freddie could make me feel.

I was pretty sure it was just a simple crush to begin with. I didn't know how or when it happened but that little crush thing turned into something more. Soon, he was in love with me. Everybody else knew it. He was very vocal about his feelings for me and in a way, I kind of liked it. I didn't mind the extra attention he was paying me. It made me absolutely uncomfortable at first but slowly, I got used to it. After all, he was Freddie. My best friend.

My friendship with Freddie had become very important to me and I would never do anything to risk it. That explained the reason why I never dated him. I never gave him the chance he was begging for almost forever. What if I fell in love with him too? Of course that would be nice. You know, falling in love with your best friend who loved you more. But what would happen to our friendship when we suddenly decided to end our relationship? See, I was afraid more than anything else. I chose to love him as my best friend because I never wanted to lose him.

"_Carls. I've been asking you out since we were twelve." He told me at as we stood by our lockers during free period. _

_I sighed. "Okay. What's with you?"_

"_I heard that you agreed to go out with Jake yesterday." He said smugly as he toyed with his shirt. He was avoiding direct eye contact with me._

"_And?" I asked, waiting for him to continue. _

"_What can I do to make you like me?" he asked back._

"_Freddie… You're my best friend. Just be there for me. It'd be enough." I told him and gave him a smile._

"_Well, I could do that." he smiled back._

Freddie stopped bugging me ever since. Sure we remained best friends but he started to treat me differently. He never mentioned anything about his feelings for me. He never asked me out again. I was relieved but I felt something different, like something was missing. I thought I didn't have the right to complain about the sudden changes because that was what I have always wanted, right?

Then, Nat came into my life. He was completely different from the boys I used to date. He was sweet, kind, caring, and romantic. I didn't want to admit this but he did remind me so much of Freddie back when he was still in love with me. That was one of the reasons why I agreed to go out with him. Nat did things Freddie used to do for me. He loved me like Freddie used to love me.

I learned to love Nat after being in a relationship with him for three months. He was the best boyfriend any girl could ever have. I always had the best time with him but I couldn't help but wonder. What if I was dating Freddie instead of him? Would I be as happy? Or maybe happier? But soon, I figured it didn't matter anyway because he was completely over me. If he wasn't, then why didn't he fight for me? Why did he let Nat have me while he just sat there, taking the easy way out? The first three months, I waited for him to say something. I waited for him to tell me it would be a lot better if I dated him instead. I waited for him to confess that he still wasn't over me. But Freddie never did say anything. I just wished he did.

One afternoon, after we rehearsed for iCarly, Freddie told me and Sam the big news. He'd be leaving for Florida immediately after our graduation because her mom found a more promising job there. It crushed me the moment I heard him say it. Even Sam couldn't believe Freddie would be leaving. She stood quietly from the beanbag and left the room without saying anything. He was her best friend too though they were both stubborn enough to admit it.

"_You… You're going?" I asked him._

_Freddie closed the distance between us and held both my hands. He gently squeezed them and then he looked directly into my eyes._

"_Yes." He whispered._

"_So this is the end, huh?" I snatched my hands away. I could feel tears were about to fall and I tried so hard to fight them._

"_No! Of course not." he shook his head. "We'll keep in touch. I promise. You're my best friend."_

"_But you're leaving me!" I cried out of frustration. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He just gave me this apologetic look._

"_Please… Don't go." I begged._

"_I... I can't. I'm sorry." _

_I ran towards him and hugged him tightly. The tears I was fighting before came out freely from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks as I felt Freddie's strong arms wrapped around me._

"_I'll miss you." I whispered against his shoulder. _

"_I'll miss you too."_

I tried to stop him. I really did. But Freddie made up his mind and there was nothing I could do. Who was I to deny him his freedom to choose what he wanted to do with his life or where in the world he wanted to go? I tried so hard to show everyone else that I was happy for Freddie, that I didn't feel like dying when he bid us goodbye.

Nothing changed for the first two years he moved to Florida. He called me frequently and would ask me about Spencer and Sam. Sometimes, he'd ask about me and Nat and when he did, I'd just tell him we're pretty much still okay. I would then ask him about his school, his new neighborhood, and girls. He never mentioned anything about dating anyone. He just sent me pictures of himself along with e-mails about what was going on with his life. We did normal things that friends miles apart would normally do.

But as time passed by, everything didn't seem the way it used to be. I waited for weeks but Freddie never dropped me a call again. I asked Sam if he was still keeping in touch with her but just the same, Freddie stopped calling her too. I became too worried so I decided to call him myself. I was relieved when he answered my call but the moment I heard his voice, I sensed that something was wrong, something had changed. He was... cold. It was like he didn't want to talk to me. I was being paranoid but I tried to be positive. Maybe, he was just tired or maybe, he was just having a bad day.

"_Hey. How have you been?" I asked him on the phone, trying to start a conversation._

"_Fine." He replied immediately._

"_Oh." I paused, "Good."_

_Silence._

"_I have to go." He said._

"_Oh okay. Take care, Freddie. I miss you." I whispered._

"_Yeah. You too."_

"…"

"_Carly?"_

"_Yes Freddie?"_

"_Goodbye."_

That was the second time he answered my call. The last word he said didn't put me to sleep that night. _Goodbye._ It wasn't just a simple goodbye by the way he said it, the way it rung in my head over and over. I was frightened more than ever. The very thing I was trying to prevent was slowly happening. I was losing him and it was like I was being stabbed in my chest repeatedly. I didn't know what happened to my Freddie. He was different, far from what he used to be. It sucked because I felt like I didn't even know him anymore.

Eventually, I got tired of reaching out to him. He never answered any of my calls again. He never sent me another e-mail. He was determined to forget about me and I figured I should do the same. If that was what he wanted, then fine. I didn't want anything to do with him either. I was mad at him for leaving me, for breaking his promise. But beyond that, I was madder at myself for letting all this happen. It was my fault from the very beginning. I never gave him the chance he deserved. And now, it was all too late. I was committed to somebody and Freddie didn't care about me any longer.

I tried to go on with my life as Spencer's sister, Sam's best friend, and Nat's girl. I wasn't unhappy with my relationship with Nat because really, I couldn't ask for anything more. Sometimes I would ask myself if I was being selfish to Nat. I never had the courage to let him go just like what Freddie did when he let me go. I loved Nat. He loved me. But without Freddie in my life, I forgot how happy it was to be in love. Without Freddie, I was a totally different person. Without him, I was incomplete. The feeling I was fighting all my life was slowly coming out. It's as if it was there long ago, just hidden beneath my own personal fear of losing the only person who taught me how to love and how amazing it was to be loved.

I tried to be strong for the people around me. I was careful enough not to break down in front of them. The least thing I wanted was to burden them all with my lifelessness. I would smile for them, be my usual self in front of them. But nobody knew what I was really feeling. No one knew how much tears would escape my eyes every single night when I was all alone in the comforts of my own bedroom, thinking of no one but him. No one, not even Sam, knew how much I was torn into pieces when he decided to push me out of his life just like that.

_No one._

The moment I realized he was not coming back to me was the same moment I realized that I, Carly Shay, had been in love with my best friend. And I realized too late. Because now, just to get through every single day of my life, I had to wear a mask. A mask showing the happiest face I possibly could but it was the same mask hiding the pain, the sorrow, and the loneliness that was embracing whole of me.

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**A/N:**

**As promised, Carly's POV. :) Hope you guys like it.**

**Sad endings make me sad too... so... *grins* haha!**

**Thanks for the positive responses! Highly appreciated! :)**


	3. Reunited

**CARLY'S POV**

I hugged Sam tightly from her back while she was combing her hair in front of the mirror. I could tell she was startled by what I did but eventually, she rubbed my hands around her neck and smiled at my reflection.

She was getting married tomorrow and I wanted to have some grown-up girl bonding time before Sam walked down the aisle. We were in one of the rooms of the villa Sam and Spencer rented for their beach wedding tomorrow. Yeah, Sam and Spencer. I never thought about it too. I still couldn't get over the fact that the person my best friend in the world would be marrying was my insane brother.

I suddenly wondered what Freddie would say the moment he finds out that Sam and Spencer would be married the next day. Oh, right. Freddie. He probably wouldn't find out about the wedding because he was busy trying to push everyone out of his life. It's been four years since he said goodbye to me but every time I thought of him, the pain still lingered and I knew I wouldn't get rid of it anytime soon.

Sam must have noticed the expression that was printed on my face from my reflection that she turned around to face me. When she asked me what was wrong, I lied to her again. I hated lying to Sam or Spencer but it was the only way to keep them from knowing what I was really feeling. Besides, this was their moment and no one should care about what I felt. I didn't mind anyway. I just wanted two of the most important persons in my life to be happy.

So I gave my best friend a weak smile and told her that I was just happy and excited that she would officially be my sister tomorrow. She raised her eyebrow at me but then she smiled back and hugged me tightly. I always knew Sam didn't buy any of my explanations whenever I told them the reasons why I was feeling depressed or helpless in a way. But one of the good things about Sam, she never forced me to tell her things I was keeping to myself. She would just keep quiet and let me know that she'll always be there for me.

"So… Samantha Puckett getting married. I never thought it would happen in a million years."

I flinched when I heard a familiar voice behind me. It sounded like it came from someone who was standing by the door. My eyes grew wide in shock. The voice… It was the same voice stuck in my head for years, the voice I longed to hear for almost forever, and the same voice that bid me the saddest goodbye I had to hear. It couldn't be him. Right? He was supposed to be miles away for goodness sake!

Before I knew it, Sam was already out of my embrace. I could tell from her footsteps that she was running towards the person while I remained frozen on my spot, afraid to turn around. I was frightened that I wouldn't like what I might see. Worse, I was frightened that I'd even like it. Oh no. This couldn't be happening to me.

I gathered every ounce of courage I had in me and finally, I got myself to turn around slowly to take a glimpse of what was in store for me. My eyes laid upon a familiar figure who was crushing my best friend in a tight hug. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He was really there in the same room with us, with me!

I took time to study every feature of his body that changed while he was having his moment with Sam. He got a lot taller. Of course, he did! We haven't seen each other for six years. His hair was pretty much the same except a little bit longer. He had grown muscles too which were clearly evident through the fit white shirt he was wearing.

I looked away immediately the moment he turned to me after he let go of Sam. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to look into his eyes. I was afraid he would see right through me. I never wanted him to see the pain I was hiding for so long because for some reason, he always knew what I felt even before when we were teenagers. He was the one who would always unmask me when I was showing everybody a façade.

I was glad that before one of us could even speak, Spencer came. I really needed to thank my brother for his timing yet again. He always knew when to rescue me from awkward situations though he wasn't aware of any of it.

I watched as Spencer placed his arm around Sam's shoulder. He loved my best friend so much and even I could feel it. Sometimes, I even envied Sam for she had someone like Spencer in her life. She had someone who would take care of her when she was sick, someone who would never leave her side, someone who wouldn't say goodbye to her, and someone who would love her enough to fight for her.

Just when I thought Spencer would save my day, he happened to tell us that he needed to borrow Sam for last minute wedding preparations. I opened my mouth to protest but I decided to just nod and agree when I realized that it was more important for them to make sure everything was according to plan for their big wedding than to save me from being alone with my own personal torture.

The moment Sam and Spencer were out of sight, I immediately turned away from him and started fixing random things inside Sam's room. I was pretending to put some beauty products back in place when I heard his footsteps towards me. I started to panic. I even considered going out of the room and leaving him there but I knew it was already too late.

"Carly…" he breathed.

I tried to ignore him. I didn't want to talk to him. After he left me like that, I didn't think he could take away everything he put me through just because he was there now.

"Aren't you at least going to say hi to me?" he asked. I could see from the corner of my eye and from his reflection in the mirror that he was smiling at me.

"Hi Freddie." There, I said it. I managed to say hi without even turning around to face him.

"Carls…" he sighed as he touched my shoulder.

I froze when I felt his hand. That was our first physical contact for six years. I hated the fact that his touch could make my knees go weak. I hated the electricity that sent shivers running down my spine. I even hated the fact that I longed for him to touch me again. Most of all, I hated the fact that I was in love with him.

Before tears started to fall from my eyes, I made my legs work and proceeded to the other side of the room where Sam's gown and shoes were. I kept myself busy because if not, I knew I'd break down anytime soon. I was never the type of girl who could control her emotions very well in situations like this. All the pain bottled inside of me would explode if I wasn't careful enough.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked softly. He was behind me again.

"No. Why would I be mad at you? Did you do anything wrong? Besides, I don't have the right to hate you for leaving just like that. It's your choice and as much as I want to do anything about it, I can't." I almost smacked myself in the head when those words came right out of my mouth. So much for controlling myself.

"I'm sorry…" he apologized.

As much as I tried to fight it, tears were already racing down my cheeks. The painful memories I shoved away at the back of my mind were slowly coming back to me – the day he told us he would be leaving, the last iCarly we did, and the time he said his words of goodbye. Those were the memories I wanted to throw away but for some reason, those memories seemed to be a part of me.

"I… I have to go." I straightened myself up and hurriedly made my way to the door before I cried myself out in front of him. I didn't want him to know how affected I was when he abandoned me.

"I'm sorry alright. I'm sorry for leaving you." He paused, "I'm sorry if I stopped answering your calls and your letters. I'm sorry if I kept you away from my life. I'm sorry Carly."

My legs stopped walking and I just stood there facing the door, listening to what he had to say.

"Why?" I managed to ask in between sobs.

"Because…" he sighed, "because I knew you're happy with Nat and you don't need me."

That was the most bullshit reason I have ever heard! If only he knew that he was one of the people who make me happy. If only he took time to realize that I needed him more than anyone else in the world. If only he fought for me sooner. If only he knew what I really felt for him.

I shook my head and laughed bitterly. "Nat and I broke up last month."

"Carly…"

"And you're wrong Freddie." I continued. "I needed you. I needed you more than anything else but for some reason, you just decided to stop being there for me! You pushed me out of your life and you expected me to do the same as if it was an easy thing to do! You left me Freddie and yes, you have the right to do that. But you could've at least told me why. Because you know what's worse than being left alone by the people you love? It's knowing that you're not even worth an explanation. You hurt me… You hurt me so bad that I can still feel the pain. And you know what? It's still not going away just because you're here now. I loved you Freddie… I loved you and I wish you knew that. I wanted to tell you but you never gave me the chance. It's too late now..."

I wiped the tears roughly with the back of my hand and before Freddie could say anything else, I slammed the door behind me as hard as I could and immediately ran to the comforts of the designated room for me. I just needed to be away from him before I could say more stupid things to him. I needed a time-out.

As soon as I locked the door, I threw myself on the bed and let all the emotions come out and take over me. I cried silently for what seemed like forever until there were no more tears coming out. I didn't understand why Freddie had to come back because it just ruined everything! Who did he think he was? He couldn't just enter our lives again after leaving us just like that! He left us! He left me! I was trying to be okay when he was away but now that he was here with us, I couldn't seem to hold myself back. Because even after all these years… Even after he hurt me so bad, I still loved him and what I felt for him was never going away.

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**AN:**

**The next (and probably last) chapter will be in Freddie's POV.**

**I don't know if you guys will like where I'm taking this story but still...**

**I was originally planning to end this after Carly's POV in chapter 2 but I decided to continue it anyway.**

**Thank you for reading and reviewing. ^_^**


	4. Moonlight

**Freddie's POV**

I watched her go and slam the door behind her. I felt the urge to follow her and convince her that I regret the mistakes I did in the past but once again, I felt weak. As if finding out the fact that I had hurt the person I loved the most wasn't already enough, her confession made me want to despise myself even more.

She loved me. Carly did learn to love me after all. It was the very thing I have been dreaming of, the only thing I wanted in my life. But I screwed up. I screwed up real bad. It was official then. I, Freddie Benson, have got to be the stupidest person who has ever walked on the face of the earth.

I could feel my knees were already shaking so I gathered myself up and sat on Sam's bed. I buried my face in my hands and all of a sudden, thoughts started crossing my mind. Of course, all of them had something to do with the very reason I was there, the woman that changed my life, Carly Shay.

I suddenly thought of the day when I decided to attend Spencer and Sam's wedding after they both invited me thru voice mail. I didn't want to come at first because I knew I was close. I was so close to successfully forgetting the life I used to live but when Carly's face suddenly popped in my mind, I realized I was wrong. It was impossible to forget her. Yes, she was so easy to love but she was never that easy to forget.

The thought of Carly was painfully ripping my heart into pieces that I no longer cared if it would hurt so bad to see her at the wedding in the arms of someone else. Damn the thought of her being with Nat. I just wanted to see her. No, I needed to see her. I wanted to make sure she was happy. If she was, then I wouldn't bother her ever again.

And I did see her. The moment I laid my eyes on her in this room with Sam, the pain I felt for years suddenly vanished into thin air. I was mesmerized by her beauty and even though it was evident that she did change a lot, I knew in my heart that she was still the Carly Shay I loved when we were ten. The effect she had on me still hasn't changed and that's when I realized I have wasted six years of my life. I was stupid for leaving her, for breaking my promise. I should have never given up on her. I should have known better.

My Carly was far from being happy. She was hurting though she was trying so hard not to show it for Spencer and for Sam. But she couldn't hide it from me. I knew her too well. She was hurt and the thought of being one of the people who caused her pain was eating me alive. I've got to do something. I needed to see her smile again.

I stood up from the bed and composed myself. I made my way towards the door and left the room with only one thing in my mind. I'm going to do whatever it takes to win Carly back and when I did, I'm going to make her as happy as possible. I'm going to show her how much she meant to me. I'm going to prove not just to her, but to everyone that I still loved her and I will always do.

---

Carly avoided me for the rest of the day. When she would see me approaching, she'd immediately turn around and pretend to do something. I just let her. I knew she needed time to think, time to heal. It was a good thing that no one knew what was happening between us. Not even Sam and Spencer. I didn't know if they just weren't able to notice our cold treatment to one another or they've just been busy for the wedding.

I was hanging out with Gibby and the rest of our friends in the living room after dinner. There were few bottles of beer and some snacks. It was like a reunion party to me. People were talking about their high school experiences and just reminiscing about everything that happened years ago. I tried to join in their conversation as much as I could but my mind was somewhere else. I was wondering where she was and what she was doing. She never seemed to get tired running inside my head.

Wendy was asking me about my job when Sam and Carly came in from the front door. Carly was about to go the other direction but I noticed Sam drag her towards us. Carly had no choice. My two best friends sat right across where I was sitting and I could see her clearly. The only thing that separated us was a coffee table but the cold space within represented a great distance.

"So, what are we talking about here?" Sam asked as she grabbed two bottles of beer from the table and popped them open, one after the other. She gave one to Carly who willingly accepted it.

"We were just talking about high school stuffs and catching up on each other's lives." Wendy replied.

We continued our little session and no one seemed to notice that Carly was a little quiet that evening. She would smile at the jokes being told but she never spoke too much. Of course, I was glancing at her direction often. I watched her drink her beer or how a strand of her hair would escape from behind her ear and fall on the soft line of her jaw. Everything she was doing was fascinating me and I just couldn't take my eyes off her.

"So Freddie. You've been gone for a long time. How's Florida?" I blinked hard when I heard Rodney's question as I looked away from her.

"Oh… Well, it's fine, I guess. I have my own apartment now but my mom still visits me once in a while. Work's good too."

"Wow. Still couldn't believe that Mrs. Benson's baby is a grown up now." Sam commented and everybody laughed with her including myself. Carly just smiled and I really took time to notice her reaction.

"So… Do you have a special someone you left there?" Valerie, my ex-girlfriend, asked. Carly and Sam hated her but she was there, invited to Sam's wedding. I guessed a lot of things did change while I was gone.

I saw Carly look at me from the corner of my eye, waiting for an answer like the rest of them.

"I'm still single." I answered coolly.

"What?" Gibby asked, "I thought there are a lot of hot girls there!"

"Yeah. There are a lot but I don't think that one of them is for me." I shrugged.

"Maybe because you're still not over Carly." Sam said and as soon as Carly looked at her, she immediately told her it was just a joke.

"Well, maybe I'm not. I don't think anyone can replace Carly in my heart." I confessed truthfully and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, she looked up and stared right at me. It was a brief moment that spoke of her feelings towards me. In her eyes, I saw nothing but pure hurt and sorrow.

As soon as the lock was broken, Carly put her beer down and stood up without saying another word. She turned around to the direction of her room. I was about to follow her when Sam stopped me.

"Give her time Freddie. She needs it. I'll go check up on her." Sam told me and I watched her go after her.

I had no choice but to sit back on my seat. Wrong move. I cursed myself silently and pretended to listen to my friends until the night slowly ended.

---

I was tossing and turning in my bed that night. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about Carly. I wanted to know if her feelings changed when she heard what I had to say or if my confession would change anything about our current relationship. I needed to know what I should do to win her back. I was aware of the fact that it would not be easy. But I was determined. I might have let her go once but trust me, it would never happen again.

I straightened myself up and looked at the clock beside the table. It was almost midnight and Gibby was already sleeping beside me. I quietly put my shoes back on and grabbed my jacket which was hanging at the back of door. I decided to get some fresh air. Maybe it would help me relax a little bit.

The wind that was blowing against me from the porch of the villa made me shiver. It was indeed a cold night but it was beautiful. I could see the sky clearly from where I was standing. All the stars were out, shining for everyone beneath them. I wanted to see more so a few more steps and I could feel the sand on my feet.

I looked around me to see if anyone was still up. I saw nothing but when I looked at the shore, a familiar figure who was facing the sea caught my attention. She was wearing a white night gown and her black curls were being blown by the wind. The darkness of the night contrasted starkly against her fair complexion and the moonlight fell softly on her. Even from afar, she still looked amazing to me.

She was hugging herself, just looking at the view before her. I thought I saw her wipe something from her cheek but then, I may never know what she was thinking. I just watched her and bathed in her presence from where I was standing and I was surprised by the sudden calmness that I felt. It was as if I could stand there and watch her forever without getting tired of it. That's the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And there's no doubt about it.

I made no move to approach her or just let her see that she was not alone. Sam was right. Carly needs time to think, time to heal.

Of course, I never expected Carly to welcome me wholeheartedly with open arms after being gone for six years. I never expected her to treat me the same after what I had done to her. I pushed her out of my life for goodness sake and it was something I should never be forgiven for. I always thought that leaving Carly was me actually doing her a favor. When I'm gone, she wouldn't have to worry about hurting her best friend who was overly obsessed with her. When I'm out of her life, she could date anyone she wanted without having to consider poor Freddie's feelings. But I was wrong. I wasn't the only one who suffered. I made her suffer too.

I took a last glimpse of her face and made my way quickly inside the villa when I saw her turn around and walk away from the shore. I couldn't let her see me so before she was inside, I was already in our room, getting ready for bed. She was the last thing on my mind before I slept soundlessly that night and I knew that when I wake up in the morning, she would be the first thought that would remind me how wonderful it was to be in love this much.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. Anyway, I know I said this will be the last but I suddenly had this desire to continue this story. It won't be too long though. Just a couple more chapters (maybe 3 but it may still change). Sorry for the inconsistency in the POV's. The next chapter will be in both Freddie and Carly's POV.**

**Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. This is for you guys!**


	5. Alive

**FREDDIE'S POV**

"Spencer! Chill."

It was indeed a beautiful day. The sun was up high in the sky and the place was utterly perfect. Everything was ready and all of the guests were already waiting patiently in their respective seats. I was standing beside Spencer near the altar and I could tell he was so close to freaking out. He was sweating and shaking and I couldn't help but laugh at him.

The bridal march started playing and everyone turned their heads to the girls who were all lined up from the other end of the room. They walked towards the front one by one in a graceful manner that could make every men present stare in awe. But not me and Spencer.

"Beautiful." Spencer whispered to no one in particular.

"I know."

Yes, I was aware that Spencer and I we're talking about two totally different things. All of the girls in this room were nothing compared to the beauty that was walking towards us. She was wearing a simple but elegant white satin dress that fit her curves perfectly and matched those with a silver ankle-wrapping heels. Her hair was naturally wavy and a flower was attached to it, making her look as stunning as ever. But it was the smile she was wearing that made it impossible for me to take my eyes off of her.

I knew Carly would be uncomfortable once she saw me staring at her again. I didn't want her beautiful smile to vanish because of me. As hard as it seemed, I made myself look away and gave the girl of the moment a smile instead. Sam was already teary-eyed as she started to march with Mrs. Puckett but she did manage to smile back at me before fixing her eyes upon her man.

The whole time while I was seated, my mind kept wandering to places. I couldn't keep myself from imagining that this was my wedding day and I was there, at the altar, where Spencer was standing right now. Everything would be the same except Sam wouldn't be the one standing right next to me but Carly. I would recite my vow sincerely while looking straight into her eyes and then listen to what she had to say. I imagined the priest saying I may kiss the bride and I almost felt her lips touch mine.

The scene inside my head was enough to tell myself that I should never lose hope because someday, Carly Shay would be my bride and we're going to have our own promises of forever.

---

"…so before I actually bawl over here, I just want to wish you both the happiness you deserve. I love you guys."

I watched Carly sit down again after delivering her speech from another table where the reception was held. She was sitting with Mrs. Puckett, Melanie, and some of her and Spencer's close relatives while I sat with Gibby and the rest of our friends. The music started playing again and everyone looked at the improvised stage just in time to see Sam actually ask Spencer to dance. I always knew they wouldn't be a normal couple but I could clearly see that they were both happy. And that's what mattered the most.

Pairs suddenly started to crowd the dance floor making almost every seat empty. I was watching Carly the whole time, trying to see if anyone asked her to dance already. I was relieved when I saw her still on her seat, clapping her hands and smiling at everyone who were having a blast.

I wanted so much to approach her and ask her to dance with me. I wanted to hold her even for just a few minutes, forgetting everything that happened for the last six years. But I was scared. I was scared that she might run away from me. I was scared that when I get to hold her close, I wouldn't be able to let her go.

I was so lost in my own world that I didn't even notice Sam was already standing in front of me. She was reaching out her hand and was asking me to join the fun. I gave her a smile but I shook my head.

"I don't dance Sam."

"Nub!"

Before I could even say a comeback, she was already dragging me towards the middle of the room and we're soon towered by all the other pairs dancing to the music. I let Sam guide me and soon, I was having a blast. I took a glimpse of Carly's seat and when I didn't see her there, my eyes started to wander around the place.

"Relax Benson. She's dancing with Spencer." Sam stated. It was funny how easily she could read my mind. I gave her a smile and looked for Spencer instead.

And there Carly was, having the best time dancing with her loving brother. Her smile was huge as Spencer literally tossed her around.

"Yeah, he's not the best dancer." Sam chuckled. "You want to dance with her?"

I looked at Sam with an 'Are-You-Serious' face that made her laugh.

"What?"

"Of course I shouldn't have asked. I know you do. Just go ask her."

"It's not that simple."

"It is! But since your presence is the best gift we have received for our wedding, I will gladly help you." She gave me a wink and I just stood there, confused and curious about what she was planning to do.

She suddenly stopped dancing and for the second time that night, she dragged me again. This time, we were walking towards Carly and Spencer.

"Woah. Honey. You don't want to break your sister's bones, do 'ya?" She told him. Spencer immediately released Carly who was giggling the whole time.

"I'm not gonna break her bones."

I saw Sam raise an eyebrow at him and I couldn't help but laugh. Carly was laughing with me and when she noticed our synchronized reaction, she immediately wiped the smile off her face and looked down.

"Momma wants to dance with her man. You don't mind Carls, right?" Sam asked her. Carly nodded and gave her a smile.

"Sure Sam."

"Here. Go dance with Benson instead." Sam grabbed her hand and placed it in mine. I didn't quite know how she did that but I was glad she did. I kept in mind that I had to thank Sam for this.

When Spencer and Sam danced away, I looked at Carly with the most hopeful expression I could. She was looking at our hands and I swear, at that very moment, I thought she was going to run away from me like I feared.

She lifted her face slowly and met my gaze.

"So… Are you a good dancer?"

My face lit up and whatever I was feeling that time was slowly replaced by pure happiness. Carly wasn't running away. She was going to dance with me and I could feel my heart was about to explode from the rapid pace of my heartbeat.

"I'll try my best." I smiled as she lifted her other hand and put it on my shoulder. Electricity started flowing through my body but I did my best to relax and savour the feeling. I put mine on her waist and pulled her closer to me. She wasn't smiling but she was staring at me like she was looking for something.

Her dark eyes were the most beautiful I have seen. I have always admired how her eyes could speak what her lips couldn't. I loved how they speak to me at that moment. I was drowning into them that the words I've been meaning to tell her never had the chance to come out of my mouth.

"I'm… I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." I said when Carly suddenly averted her gaze.

She looked back at me and gave me a faint smile. It was the first smile that was for me and even though it wasn't my favorite smile of hers, it still made my heart jump.

"It's just… You look really wonderful tonight." I blurted out.

I didn't even notice that we stopped swaying already. Our hands were still locked and we were suddenly looking into each other's eyes. My hands worked themselves up from her waist and proceeded to cup her cheek.

She closed her eyes and pressed her face in my palm. It was a gesture that made my heart melt. This was the closest I've been to her since we saw each other again. This was the moment I've been waiting for. I couldn't believe it was happening.

I didn't know what that meant. Had she forgiven me already for everything I've done? Could we start over again? I didn't know the answers too. All I knew is that I was happy. I was alive again. I've never felt this way for years and I knew, this was something I'm going to remember for the rest of my life.

"Carly… I'm sorry for everything." I whispered to her while stroking her cheek with my thumb.

"Freddie…" she mumbled and I watched a tear escape from her eyes.

The next thing I knew, our eyes were both closed and my lips were gently pressed into hers.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Sorry it took a while. I had a hard time writing this chapter and I've been really busy with school work.**

**I know it's short and I said that this will contain both POVs but I decided to split it up into two. Carly's POV turned out to be a little longer.**

**Thanks to everything who read and reviewed. ^_^  
**


	6. Lies

I ran as fast as I could until the bright lights disappeared from behind me and I could no longer hear the music . I knew Spencer and Sam would look for me once they notice my absence. I wasn't sure if they have seen what happened since I immediately ran away once our lips parted. But if they did, I was sure they'd let me go. I just had to apologize to them later for ruining their night.

My legs suddenly felt weak as I was running beside the shoreline. My feet were already aching and I realized I was still wearing my heels. I took time to stop moving and removed them one after the other. I decided to just walk under the moonlight barefooted and try to remember what the hell just happened in there.

I found myself pressing my finger firmly to my lips and I swear, I could still feel him kissing me. Oh God! Freddie and I just kissed! I didn't know how long our lips touched exactly but the whole time his lips were pressed against mine, I couldn't care less of what was happening around us. I couldn't think straight and my heart was racing inside my chest. Even a simple kiss from him could make me lose my mind. Yes, it wasn't a passionate kiss but for me, it spoke of the hidden feelings I had for him.

"Carly!" I heard him shout from behind me. "Wait! Carly!"

I tried to ignore him and continued walking quickly without turning back. My legs were still tired but I knew if I stopped, he would catch up on me. How long I could keep running away from him? I had no idea.

"Carls…" His voice was much clearer now and I could tell he was already near me. I quickened my pace though I knew it wouldn't be of any help. He was much faster than me. The next thing I knew, he was already gripping my wrist and forcing me gently to turn around and face him.

"What do you want?" I tried to sound frustrated but it came out more as a whisper.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. About the kiss, it was just… I didn't mean to. I was just caught in the moment." He explained. I honestly lost count of how many times he apologized to me since we got here.

"It's okay. It didn't mean anything anyway." I told him bitterly. Freddie held both my hands and sighed. I waited for him to say something but he just stood there, looking at our hands and listening to the sound of the waves brushing against the shore. The silence was killing me. Yet, I found comfort with the way he was holding my hand.

"What do you want Freddie?" I broke the silence and snatched my hands away from his.

"I want your forgiveness." he answered softly. His eyes were pleading and I couldn't stand to look at them.

"I already told you. If it's about the kiss, you can forget…"

"No! This is not just about the kiss. I want you to forgive me for everything I've done," he paused. "I want you to forgive me for every pain I've caused you. It was never my intention to hurt you and you know that. I was just trying to make your life easier. I'm sorry. If you will forgive me, I'll prove to you that I love…"

"Love? Freddie, after tonight, everything's going back to normal! You'll be flying back to Florida and I'll be living my life again like I did for the past six years. We'll both pretend that this…" Tears were already flowing down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and tried to control my sobs. "We'll both pretend that this never happened."

Freddie leaned towards me and wiped my tears with his thumb, cupping my cheeks after. "I'll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me Carly. Just say what you want me to do."

"If you really want me to forgive you, then do me a favor." I removed his hands from my face and looked at him straight in the eyes.

"Anything…"

"I want you to leave me alone. Forget that this even happened. Live your life as if we didn't see each other again."

"Carly… I don't think I could do that. I can never forget this. I can never forget you. Believe me, I tried but it was impossible. You're a big part of me and that won't change for a million years. You changed my life Carly. And I want you in it. I want you so bad in it. I need you."

"It's just not the same, Freddie." I whispered. "I don't want to see you anymore."

I could see in his eyes the confusion, the horror, and the pain that my words brought him. It was hard for me to say those words when deep inside, I knew in my heart that I meant the exact opposite.

Freddie didn't respond immediately and I took that opportunity to turn around and start walking again. I was already crying my heart out and I was violently shaking. I hurt him but that was the only way to keep ourselves from hurting even more. Because Freddie and me? It'd never work out. After everything that has happened, we'd just keep reminding each other everything we've been through.

"But you love me!" Seriously, when will he learn to give up? He was just making everything more difficult for the both of us. "You said so yourself! You love me!" He shouted from behind.

I turned to him and I saw that he was already walking towards me. I wiped the tears off my face and faced him with confidence.

"Yes. I said 'I loved you'. It's true but that was before."

"No…" he whispered.

"Just let it go Freddie. Let me go. Please."

When he didn't respond, I turned around again and proceeded to walk. Just when I thought he finally gave up, he was now standing in front of me as he gripped my shoulders tightly.

"Don't do this… I'm begging you. Just please…"

He was already crying and the sight of him brought out fresh tears from my eyes as well. For a moment, I wanted to hug him right there and then. I wanted to take back everything I had said and tell him I still loved him. But it was not easy. It was never that easy.

"What can I do for you to leave me alone?" I asked fiercely.

"I want you tell me you don't love me anymore. Tell me that and I'm out of your life. You will never see me again." He demanded. He was looking at me with those hopeful eyes he had when we were dancing a while ago. He looked so confident.

"That's it?"

He suddenly looked confused as I watched his eyebrows furrow in frown.

I took a deep breath and stared right at him. For the past years, I've been lying to all my family and friends, to Spencer and Sam, and this… this should not be any different. This must be a piece of cake. But this was Freddie in front of me, the only man who could see through my eyes and tell me if I was telling the truth or not. It didn't matter. I had to try.

I looked into his hopeful eyes and let the cruel words escape my mouth.

"I don't love you anymore." I was a such a terrible liar.

For a moment there, I thought he wasn't going to believe me. I was waiting for him to yell at me and tell straight into my face that I was lying. But there was something in his eyes that told me he has had enough. The look in his eyes showed that he undoubtedly believed what I just said. Of all the lies I've told him, he chose to believe me now.

"I don't… No… I don't believe you." Tears started to escape from his eyes again as he struggled for words to say. "No! You're lying! I don't believe you! I won't!" he cried.

He still didn't believe me? He's the one who was lying. He was just saying that and we both knew it. He still refused to accept the fact that he actually believed me. He did. I could see it in his eyes no matter how much he tried to deny it. He should have known better.

"Then… Then that's not my problem anymore. Goodbye Freddie." I managed to say before I left the man I love, standing there. This time, I knew he wouldn't stop me. My words stung him but that was the only way for him to finally let me go. I had to hurt him even if it meant lying to him and hurting me too.

There was one thing I forgot to tell him though. He was already forgiven for everything he had done. I didn't do what I did because I wanted revenge and I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. I wasn't the only one who lived a life like everything was perfect. He suffered too and maybe, he was even hurt more than I was because of what he did. He has made a lot of sacrifices for me but I was blinded by anger to see that it was never his intention to hurt me.

You'd think that it was only fair for me to give him another chance and start all over again. I wanted that too. I wanted that so bad but I couldn't give him what we both wanted. I wasn't the Carly Shay he used to know. I was far from the girl he loved before. I was already broken, shattered into tiny little pieces. I didn't want to be selfish because I knew I'd just hurt him more.

I still loved him. I loved him enough to let him go. I wanted him to be happy in the arms of someone who would love him even more than I did if it was even possible. I strongly believe he could find someone better than I could ever be. Someone who could give him much more than the love he'd find with me.

Freddie has made his sacrifice for me and now, it was time for me to return the favor.

_This by far is the hardest thing I think I ever had to do… to turn around and walk away, pretending that I don't love you._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:**

**Hope you guys like it! Oh, and this is not over yet. ^_^**

**Please read and review.  
**


	7. Accident

**FREDDIE'S POV**

The wedding was over and it was now time for us to go on with our lives as Carly wanted. But for me, there was no way I'd go back to the life I had after what had happened. I never had the courage to go back to Florida and leave everything behind. I wasn't ready to put those things into my memory box because even for just two days, my life instantly changed when I saw her again.

Yes, I haven't forgotten what she told me. She said she didn't love me anymore and she wanted me to leave her alone. I didn't believe her but it still hurt me hearing her say those words. I've done too much to win her back and maybe, the only next possible step to do is to stop, leave, and walk away. They say that what really is yours would eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, it will never be. But it doesn't work for me.

I may be desperate and selfish. But I was determined.

I was contented with what I was doing for almost a week now – watching Carly from a distance. I booked myself in a nearby hotel which was just a walking distance from Bushwell Plaza where she lived. I took a leave from work and decided to just stay in Seattle for a while. Spencer and Sam were still on their honeymoon, traveling all over Europe perhaps, and now that Spencer's married, Carly has sole possession of the apartment.

Every morning, I would wait for her to leave for work and every afternoon, I'd wait for her to come out of the school where she teaches to take another glimpse of her. However, Carly knew none of this. I'd never let her see me. If that was what she wanted, I'd give her that. But it didn't mean I'd stop seeing her.

It was a rainy Friday and I've seriously missed the Seattle rain. It reminded me a lot of things we used to do when we were still teenagers. I've been stalking Carly for five days now, if that's what you call what I was doing. Carly was walking home from work and I was following her when I noticed she wasn't headed to their apartment. Instead, she walked inside a coffee shop blocks away from Bushwell Plaza and ordered herself a cup of coffee. When she was settled down, I entered the coffee shop, making sure she didn't notice me.

I ordered a cup of latte and sat across her table, covering myself with a newspaper I was pretending to read. I would glance at her and see the light fall softly on her cheek as she read her book. I watched her lips touch the mug whenever she takes a sip of her hot coffee.

Those lips, I couldn't seem to forget. I knew how it felt to touch them with mine. I could still remember clearly how it felt to press my lips against hers that I swear, I prayed to God that moment to make time stand still but sadly, every dream has to end.

My musings were interrupted when she suddenly looked up and stared right at me. That was when I realized that I had put the newspaper down and my face was bare. Carly had already saw me and I could see clearly from her eyes that she wasn't happy. She glared at me and before I could even react, she immediately stood up, walked outside into the rain, and shoved the book into her shoulder bag.

"Carly! Wait!" I ran outside the coffee shop and caught her getting inside a cab. I moved as fast as I could and before the engine even started, I was inside the car with her, soaking wet from the rain.

She looked at me fiercely. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Let me explain." I told her calmly as I closed my side of the door. The driver was staring at us from the mirror, probably wondering what the hell was happening.

"Where to?" he asked politely.

"You know what? You can take the cab. I can always get another one." She told me.

She was about to open her door and before she could run away from me again, I gripped her tightly on her wrist.

"Don't!" I shouted at her.

"Destination please?"

"Will you please shut up first?" I told him angrily before turning to Carly again. She was looking at her wrist and I figured she must be hurt with the way I was holding it. I was sure it would leave a mark if I didn't release her immediately.

I let go of her hand and sighed. "Just drive. Please." I told the driver. He kept asking where and I really had no idea where to go either. Bushwell was only blocks away and going there would never let me tell Carly what I wanted to say to her. I wanted to spend more time with her.

"Anywhere. Just drive. I don't care where you take us."

He opened his mouth but he was smart enough not to protest. I could always drag Carly out and get another cab or just talk to her under the rain. But I wouldn't do that to Carly.

She was looking at me angrily like I was some insane person sharing the cab with her. If looks could kill, I'd be dead already.

"What do you want Freddie? Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" She was shouting and it almost hurt my ears.

"You can't just shove me away Carly." I replied as I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible. There was actually no point in arguing with her. It'd only make matters worse.

"So let me get this straight. You can push me out of your life whenever you want with whatever reason you have but I can't. That's hardly any fair."

She was being obnoxious now. This was the type of Carly who could easily irritate me and could get on my nerves instantly. But truth be told, I liked it way better than the crying Carly. It was easier for me to handle but a lot harder to overcome.

"Will you please stop slapping into my face what I had done? I told you it was the biggest regret of my life."

"Well, good to know!" she replied sarcastically. She rolled her eyes and stared at the window.

I took a deep breath and sighed. "Look at me Carls…" I pleaded but she was stubborn enough to ignore me. "Look at me!"

I grabbed both her shoulders and turned her around to face me. Her face was already red and she was on the verge of crying again.

"Carls… I'm sorry. I tried to…" My words were cut-off by the sound of the sudden death of the cab's engine.

The driver was scratching his head and I could sense there was trouble. I released my grip on Carly's shoulder and turned to him.

"What now?" I asked him furiously.

"I don't know what the problem is, Sir." He replied as he repeatedly turned the key in the ignition.

"Fix it." I commanded him before I turned my attention back to Carly.

She was just sitting beside me quietly and I could tell she was uneasy.

"Don't worry. We'll be alright." I put my hand on top of hers which was resting on her lap. She looked at our hands and then she gave me a nod.

I watched the driver get out of the cab and proceeded to check the engine. I turned my head around to see exactly where we was. We were in the middle of an intersection near the mall where we used to go to when we were little. A series of flashbacks flashed inside my mind and I couldn't help but smile at the memories.

My daydreaming was interrupted with a continuous loud beeping. I turned my head to check what it was.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed loudly when I saw a large truck coming right at her side of the cab. It was clearly out of control by the way its tires were squeaking.

I opened my door and was about to escape, thinking that Carly was following my lead. When I turned my head around, I saw her staring at the truck, fear evident in her eyes.

"Carly, let's go!" I grabbed her hand and tried to drag her out but she did not move. It was as if she was frozen in her spot. "Carls!"

Time was running out for both of us.

So I did the only thing that made sense to me that moment. I jumped over to her side and wrapped her securely in my arms, making sure she was covered with all of me.

The time seemed to slow down because every memory I treasured was slowly coming back to me. The first time I laid my eyes on little Carly Shay when we were six, the time when she asked my help to document the audition for the talent show, the first episode of iCarly we did, all the afternoons when I used to stand on something just so I could peek on my peephole while waiting for her to come home from school. I remembered the rejections, the heartaches, the stupid bad boys, and the wonderful times we spent together. I remembered everything up to the best two days of my life - the first time I saw her again after six long years, the dance we had during the reception, and the kiss we shared...

If this was the end for me, I'd gladly accept it. I'd even thank God that at least for the last few minutes of my life, I got to spend it with the most important person for me. Someone really special, someone worth dying for. Before I die and leave her, at least I got to prove to her how much pain I was willing to take for her. To see her live her life from above would be enough for me.

Because dying to save the one I love... to save Carly, is something I will never ever regret.

"I love you." I hugged her more tightly and used my last breath to say to her the three words that's been meaning to escape my lips the moment I laid my eyes on her again as I waited for the end, _my end,_ to come.

* * *

**A/N:**

**This chapter is the closest to my heart so far. I just don't know why. **

**Thanks for all the nice reviews. It means a lot.  
**


	8. Hope

I woke up suddenly from vivid dreams about Freddie that I didn't even want to remember. In those dreams, Freddie was being taken away from me by some men I didn't recognize. I tried so hard not to let go of him but I didn't have enough strength to hold on. Every part of me hurt so I just watched his hand slip away from mine just like that and I couldn't do anything about it.

My eyes wandered around and I realized that I was in an unfamiliar white room. I tilted my head and tried to sit up but I still felt tired. So I closed my eyes again and tried to remember what happened. Suddenly, pictures started flashing inside my head, slowly at first but the speed increases every second that I could no longer bear it. Then, everything came back to me... the coffee shop, the cab, the truck, and… Freddie!

"Freddie!" I whispered to myself. It wasn't a nightmare! It was real. Everything was. My head suddenly ached and when I touched it, I felt the bandage wrapped around it.

I ignored the pain and tried to sit up to examine myself. It was then when I found out that my right arm was casted and I had bruises all over. I didn't even need a mirror to see that I looked really damaged. If this was what happened to me, then what more could have happened to Freddie?

Dear God! No! He can't be…

"No! Freddie!"

Spencer and Sam barged in through the door and immediately ran towards me. They must have heard me screaming. Sam threw herself at me and crushed me in her arms while Spencer sat on my bed, calming me with his words.

"Carls… It's okay. Shhh. Calm down. You're alright." Sam whispered as she ran her hands through my hair. I buried my face in her shoulders and used my left arm to cling to her shirt tightly.

"Sam." I cried against her shirt. "Freddie…" I was already having a hard time breathing but I let the words escape my mouth. I needed to know what the hell happened to Freddie. They needed to tell me now, right now, that he survived the accident.

"Carly… You need to rest." Spencer told me.

"No!" I removed my head from Sam's shoulder and turned to Spencer. "I need to see Freddie! Where is he?"

"Carls…"

Neither of them gave me the answer I was looking for. Spencer and Sam were just looking at each other. It's as if they were debating on who should be the one to tell me the news. Was it really that bad? Because I swear, if something bad happened to Freddie, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

"Where is he?" I demanded. Tears never seemed to stop racing down my cheeks.

Spencer sighed and looked at Sam once more.

"Tell me what happened to him!" I glared at my brother. He just looked down and when I realized that he had no intentions to answer my question, I turned to my best friend, who was standing beside me, instead.

"Sam! Freddie's okay, right? He's okay!" But it was no use. Sam wasn't talking either.

"What is wrong with both you?" I was angry. Didn't I have the right to know what happened to the man who saved my life? The man I love?

"Carls. Freddie is…"

"Freddie is what, Sam?" She took a deep breath and hesitated to say anything more. "Sam!"

"Freddie's in a coma." She blurted out quickly and closed her eyes as she and Spencer both waited for my reaction.

I lost control of myself the moment I heard the news about Freddie. I started screaming his name over and over again while Sam and Spencer tried to calm me down. But they couldn't. I was shoving away anyone who dared to touch me. I didn't want anyone to hold me in their arms like what Freddie did to save my life.

"Where is he?" I cried hysterically.

Sam gripped my shoulders and forced me to sit down.

"He's in another room." Spencer told me.

I felt weaker and weaker every second but still, I tried so hard to stand up. Sam tried to stop me and she did. She should be thankful she was stronger than me because if I wasn't covered with these stupid bandages, there was no way they could stop me from seeing Freddie.

"Carls… You can't see him now. You're not yet okay. You'll only hurt yourself." He said calmly.

I knew this would happen. They wouldn't let me see my Freddie and I couldn't do anything about it. So I lied down again and turned my back on Spencer and Sam. I knew I was being selfish and unreasonable. I shouldn't be giving them a hard time but they should know that this was too much for me.

Freddie's in a coma because of me. He's suffering because I was weak. If I were fast enough, both of us could have survived without being hurt. It was my fault. It was completely my fault.

"It should have been me." I whispered slowly as I let the fresh tears fall from my eyes.

"Carly… No one wants this to happen. It was an accident. It wasn't your fault." I felt Sam's hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off.

"Don't worry. When you're completely okay, I'll bring you to Freddie right away. I promise you kiddo. Just rest now. Sam and I will always be here for you."

Spencer and Sam being there for me was something I was thankful for. Somehow, they managed to lessen the weight on my shoulders. But they could never take away all the sorrow I was feeling because that moment, the only thing that mattered to me was Freddie.

---

I did my best to follow everything the doctor said. I drank my medicines on time, I ate everything they gave me even though I didn't have the appetite, I rested well, and I was trying not to be a burden to Spencer and Sam. But I wasn't doing this for myself. It was all for Freddie. The sooner I get better, the sooner I'd see him as Spencer had promised.

Six days had passed since the accident and five since I learned that the man who saved my life, the man I loved more than anyone in the world, was in a coma because of me. Sam and Spencer rarely left my side. Sometimes, when one needed to go home, the other stayed with me.

"Sam…" I whispered loud enough for Sam to hear. Spencer was at the hospital cafeteria, probably grabbing something for the two of them to eat.

"Yes? Do you need anything?" She dropped the magazine she was reading and rushed towards me.

"How's Freddie?" I asked weakly. I've been asking Sam or Spencer the same question everyday, hoping that when I asked them one time, they would give me the answer that I wanted to hear.

Sam sighed. "No progress." But it was always the same answer I was getting.

"Don't worry. Tomorrow might always be different." She smiled faintly and kissed me on the forehead.

Sam knew what was coming after this kind of conversation. I would ask about Freddie, she would tell me that nothing changed, and I would cry again until I tire myself. At first, they tried to calm me down. But for the past three days, they just let me pour out my emotions.

The nightmares were still haunting me for consecutive nights and they would always wake me up in the middle of the night. It was as if it's ultimate purpose was to rub it in to me that it wasn't Freddie who was supposed to be there but me. Sam and Spencer knew none of this. It was a routine that I had gotten used to. Every time the nightmare ends, I'd always end up crying myself to sleep.

Until that one night…

_I was lying on my hospital bed when Sam entered the door quietly._

"_Sam…" She smiled as she made her way beside me. She put her hand on top of mine and started to rub it gently._

"_How's Freddie?" I asked her the same question. _

_She didn't respond and refused to meet my gaze. Instead, she was staring at our hands. She was acting strangely. She was supposed to answer my question right away. I examined her face carefully and noticed that she looked unusually pale. Her eyes were already wet and I could tell tears would be rushing out soon. _

_I became frightened of what she might say. "Sam? Is he awake?"_

"_Carly…" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes fiercely. The tears fell instantly and I watched them run down her cheeks, one after the other._

"_Sam? What's wrong?" My voice was already trembling. I knew something bad must have happened. Sam had never been this emotional before. She wasn't supposed to be like this._

"_Where's Spencer? Did something bad happen to him?"I asked again when she didn't respond._

_Sam shook her head and opened her eyes. This time, she was looking directly at my eyes. "It's Freddie." She said in a shaky voice. _

_My whole body flinched upon hearing her say Freddie's name._

"_F-Freddie? What about Freddie?" _

_Sam captured me in a tight embrace instead of answering my question. I could hear her sobbing against my shoulder. _

"_Freddie… gave up his fight…" she sobbed, "He's gone."_

_My arms fell down from her back as she pushed herself gently away from me. _

"_No…" I whispered. "No! No! Freddie can't give up! He just can't!"_

_I wished Sam would take back what she said. I wished she would tell me that she was just kidding. But she would never joke about anything like that. _

"_He's not dead!" I yelled at her. "He couldn't leave me! I need him, Sam! I love him! I love him…"_

"Carly!" I heard Spencer cry. I opened my eyes slowly and found a blurred figure of mybrother sitting right next to me. I reached for him and hugged him tightly.

"Shh… It was just a dream." He whispered to me as he ran his hand on my back.

"Freddie?" I asked as soon as he let go of me.

"Still in his room."

"I want to see him." This time, I wouldn't get no for an answer.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

I nodded.

---

Spencer helped me get up after talking to my doctor. He pushed the wheelchair I was sitting on towards Freddie's room. That was going to be the first time I'd see him after the accident. He told me Mrs. Benson was there and I suddenly felt frightened. Mrs. Benson had always been protective of Freddie and I wouldn't be surprised if she'd yell at me and make me leave.

I braced myself for anything that could happen as my brother knocked on the door. We were greeted by Freddie's mom and the moment she saw me, she knelt down in front of me and hugged me tightly. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting from her, from someone who would kill anyone who dares to hurt her son.

"I'm so glad you're okay. I wanted to visit you but I couldn't leave my son alone." she whispered as she let me go.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Benson. It was my fault. I'm sorry. Freddie's here because of me and if only I could take back everything that had happened..." I broke down in front of her.

"It wasn't your fault. It was an accident dear and I'm never going to blame this on you. Freddie... He chose to save your life even if it means risking his own. And I'm so proud of him for that. Remember when I used to be so overprotective of Freddie when you were still little until he went off to college? I did all my best to prevent him from being hurt because I love him so much. He's my life and I'd give my own for him. And I think he'll do the same for you."

Mrs. Benson's reply made it unbearable for me to look straight into her eyes. I was ashamed of myself, of what I did. If only I gave Freddie the chance he wanted, if only I told him the truth that I still loved him... None of this would have ever happened.

"Come on. He's waiting for you." she smiled at me and nodded at Spencer. My brother bid me goodbye and told me he'd come back for me as Mrs. Benson started to push me inside the room.

And there he was... lying in his hospital bed. He never looked so vulnerable to me than that moment. Tubes were attached to him and the traces of the accident were still evident. Both of his legs were casted and he had a large gash on his forehead that was covered with bandage.

"Freddie..." I whispered.

I felt Mrs. Benson tap me on my shoulder. "I'll just be outside if you need anything."

I turned to her and forced a smile. "Thank you Mrs. Benson."

She smiled back at me and kissed my forehead. She was already walking towards the door when she suddenly stopped and called my name. "Oh Carly..."

I turned to her.

"I guess my son really loves you that much to be able to do such thing." she continued and then she was gone.

I turned my attention back to Freddie once again. If I didn't know he was in a coma, I'd think that he was just sleeping. He looked so peaceful with his eyes closed as his chest was moving up and down.

It hurt so much to see the one you love in that condition because I knew that every minute, every second of the day, he was in a battle fighting for his life. And that battle, it could only turn into either one of these things... recovery or death. But I knew my Freddie would fight until the very end. He was brave and he's going to do it for me. Because life without Freddie is not life at all for me.

"Wake up. Please... for me?" I whispered to him. Freddie could never resist doing anything I'd ask him whenever I use that phrase. And I could only hope that this time, it would not be different.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Sorry it took me so long.**


	9. Angel

**FREDDIE'S POV**

How long has it been? I really had no idea. Everything around me didn't seem to make sense at all. The darkness was embracing every inch of me. I tried to get out of this emptiness but I couldn't because every damn time I tried to move, it hurt so bad that I had no other choice but to take it all.

It may seem odd that my brain was fully functioning. Thank God for that! And yes, I was aware of my condition. However, my senses weren't really working. I couldn't see anything of course, since my eyes were always closed, I couldn't hear any sound, and I couldn't feel a touch. It really, really sucked to be in a coma.

I suddenly remembered the situation I was in during the first days, or hours. It was worse. I couldn't remember anything. It's as if the pain took away everything, every memory I have so I could feel nothing but sorrow. But at the very back of my mind rests a single thing that not even death can take away from me. It was the only thing that kept me fighting. One thing… One name perhaps…

_Carly Shay_

After everything that happened, I still didn't regret what I did. Saving her life probably was the best thing I've done in my life. I couldn't just let her die. She was everything to me, the only person that gives an endless meaning to my world.

"Freddie…"

I knew my condition was bad enough but I didn't know it was this bad for me to hallucinate. I could hear a voice calling my name. And it wasn't just a voice. It was the only voice I wanted to hear. My heart skipped a beat when she whispered my name. God! I hope the monitor didn't show it because the people inside my room would notice it, if there were even any.

"Wake up. Please… for me?"

So I wasn't losing my mind. Carly was really there, inside my room. The first thing I did was to thank God that she was okay. Clearly, she survived the accident and that was the most important thing to me.

_Carly? Please stop crying._

I knew she couldn't hear me but still, I wanted to let her know what my heart wanted to say to her. _  
_

"You saved my life…" she sobs.

_I'd do it again. That's how much you mean to me._

"You're one silly man, you know that? It should have been me in there."

_Can you hear me too? How come?_

"I wish you could answer me. I miss you so much."

_I guess not. But how come I can hear you and not them? I'm sure my mom's here somewhere. And the doctors and nurses, Sam and Spencer… They are visiting me, right? But it's only you I can hear._

"I have something to tell you."

_Go on, I'm listening...  
_

"But wake up, first. Okay?"

_I'm trying. But I can't. I don't know how._

Carly became quiet for a moment and I never heard another word from her. But I was aware she was still beside me. I could hear her soft, gentle sobs and it was breaking me. If only I could wake up from this stupid condition, I'd hold her hand tightly and whisper the words I wouldn't get tired of telling her.

One more try. I commanded my self. I was determined more than ever to escape the darkness I've gotten used to since day one. Damn the pain! No, I no longer cared about that. All I cared about was Carly and how much I wanted to see her, to feel her, and to love her.

Then, it happened.

I didn't know how I did it but I managed to open my eyes slowly and my vision became clearer and clearer every second. I let my eyes wander around the white room and when I looked into the right side of my bed, I caught a glimpse of my angel. I was positive she couldn't see me because her face was buried in her hands as she sobbed quietly.

I tried to lift my hand though it still hurt a little. I reached for hers and slowly, I brushed my fingers against her delicate skin.

"Freddie!" she screamed as she put down her hands and looked at me. Our gazes locked and I couldn't be happier that moment. I couldn't see the pain, hurt, and sorrow in Carly's eyes anymore. Instead, it was replaced by happiness and love.

"Thank you for fighting." she whispered.

Drops of tears started falling from her eyes and I slowly lifted my hand to wipe them away. Upon stroking her cheek, her hand closed around mine as she pressed it gently against her face.

Just when everything seemed to be going my way, my eyes suddenly closed again and pain took over. It was worse than anything I've ever felt before. Suddenly, I couldn't feel anything from the world I've just been into. The dark was slowly embracing me again and it sucked because I didn't even get a chance to look at her again, maybe for the last time. The agony was beginning and the joy I was just feeling a while ago was washed away.

"Oh my God! Freddie! Please! Don't leave me... not now... please..."

I heard Carly scream. I knew I wanted so much to hear her voice. But not like this. She was screaming harder and harder and I couldn't bear to listen. I felt like I was being stabbed in my chest every damn time I hear her screaming my name. I wished she would stop. It was hurting me more and I was so close to giving up. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to fight but I was becoming weaker and weaker every second. It was eating me alive.

_Oh my God. My poor baby! Don't do this to me Fredward.  
_

_Freddie! Wake up, nub! Don't you dare give up! She needs you...  
_

_Kiddo… You can do this, man! Not now._

_Freddie! I'm begging you. Please, for me? Don't leave me. Just please... I love you! I love you so much..._

I heard her last words repeatedly. Her voice was echoing inside my head and those three words were the last I took in before it suddenly became quiet. Carly still loved me after all and she didn't want to lose me. I wanted to scream to her that I love her too but my situation was preventing me from doing so.

The pain subsided after a while and for the first time in a long time, I felt good. I had no idea if I was already dead or what because when I opened my eyes, everything was white. If I was dead already, I'd take it wholeheartedly. Though I felt bad that I had to leave Carly and everyone else that meant so much to me, at least I could watch them from above.

My love for Carly would go on forever and death wouldn't change anything about how I felt for her.

_"Freddie..." _

_I heard someone call my name again. It was deep and manly and I was positive it wasn't my Carly who was calling me.  
_

_"God? Is that you?" I asked._

_I looked around and saw a familiar man standing behind me. He looked a lot like me but only older. I couldn't deny the resemblance I was seeing but my heartbeat went faster than usual as he slowly made his way towards me._

_"Da--dad?" _

_"Hi son." _

_"Dad!" I ran towards him and crushed myself against his body. "I missed you. Are you here to pick me up? I think I'm ready."_

_He laughed heartily and I wondered what was wrong with what I said._

_"It's not yet your time, son. You still couldn't leave earth until you complete your life's purpose." _

_"What is it?" _

_"To love someone with all your heart and soul until time decides for the both of you. She still needs you, Freddie. You couldn't just leave Carly yet." _

_To love someone with all my heart and soul... To love Carly. My life's mission wasn't about saving her life after all and now that I knew it, I'd do everything I can to fulfill it. God knows how much that woman meant to me and how much I was in love with her.  
_

When I opened my eyes again, I was back in the unfamiliar white room where all the people I cared for were standing beside my hospital bed.

Mom! I thought I'd never see her again. She was crying silently beside me but I could see the relief in her eyes. I gave her a smile as she walked towards me and gave a kiss on my forehead. For a man in his twenties, I should be embarrassed to let other people see me being kissed by my mom. But I didn't care. I missed her and I knew she missed me too.

My eyes traveled to the foot of my bed and saw Spencer and Sam with their arms around each other. It looked like they had been crying and honestly, I thought I'd never see the day when Sam would cry. She cared for me. I knew it. And Spencer... My older brother in every sense of the word.

Finally, my eyes laid upon the most important person in my life, my angel, sitting on her wheelchair at the right side of my bed. Tears were still racing down her cheeks but she was smiling at me. Her smile... I missed it. Honestly, if I were strong enough and I could move freely, I'd ask her right then and there to marry me. But then, I realized, I wouldn't do it without a ring. What would she think of me?

"Freddie..." she whispered as Sam helped her stand up from her wheelchair.

She guided Carly towards me and when she was so close to me, she leaned down and gave me the very thing I've been dreaming of for years. Carly planted a kiss on my lips as she whispered to my ears the three words I've been wanting so much to hear.

"I love you."

* * *

**A/N:**

**Finally! It was so hard for me to write a chapter on the perspective of someone in a coma so it took me this long to update this story. Sorry to keep you waiting and I hope this chapter doesn't creep you out. I just figured we should know what's happening with Freddie and what's he feeling the whole time. I know some scenes in this chapter are pretty weird and somewhat impossible in real life. **


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